Marriages, it is said, are made in heaven, but the truth is that they have to be managed on earth. Just as it is imperative that you have a post-graduate management degree to manage an organisation, it is equally important to have a mature mindset and relationship management skills in order to make marriages last.
PLAYING HOUSE
Eighteen-year-old Debbie fell in love with 22-year-old David. After a whirlwind romance of barely four months, they decided to tie the knot. Not much thought was given to Debbie completing her graduation, as they were both from wealthy families, and David was the heir to the family business. While Debbie focused on having a ‘perfect fairy tale wedding’, David was keen to quickly cross the milestone of marriage, and provide a grandchild for his ageing parents. It never crossed their mind to discuss their values, priorities, lifestyles, relationship needs and their ideas about an ideal relationship with each other.
Once the fairy tale wedding was over, Debbie was at a total loss as nothing else had been thought or planned by her. David, on the other hand, got down to everyday business once the marriage milestone was crossed, and focused on procreation and recreation during the nights. All that was unsaid and unaddressed earlier started coming up as ‘issues’. Not only were their individual expectations from marriage very different, but they also did not have the tools or the skills to negotiate their differences in a win-win way. As expected, the differences escalated into ugly conflicts, with the families commenting that they ‘fight like kids’. Well, they were ‘kids’.
Many a marriage is rife with conflict because the man and woman are actually ‘Mama’s little boys’ and ‘Daddy’s little girls’, who have got together to play ‘house-house’. Soon they realise that they lack the emotional maturity to nurture and’ sustain relationships, with both running to their respective parents boohooing and complaining about how their wife/husband is being ‘mean’ to them. Such ‘biological adults’ but ‘emotional kids’ can be of any age, but more often, those who marry early face this problem.
MARRIAGE AS A GETAWAY
Coming from a dysfunctional family, Sarah had low self-worth. Her parents were in constant conflict. Sarah not only witnessed these but also had to take sides, listen to her mother’s sob stories, and meet her father’s unreasonable expectations. Above all, she was ignored by both her self-obsessed parents, leaving her feeling like an ‘emotional orphan’ in need of love and nurturing. She fell in love with James at the age of 15, and married him when she was 18.
James found her ‘child-woman’ demeanour cute and adorable to begin with. She, of course, was in search of a nurturing home away from her conflicted home. Soon after marriage, she realised that James was neither willing nor able to be an ‘emotional parent’ for the ‘emotionally needy child’ within her. The conflict began, as neither were her expectations of James parenting her satisfied, nor were James expectations of having an emotional adult as his life partner. James soon sought companionship in an ‘adult woman’ and the marriage ended in a divorce.
LOOKING FOR A PARENT SUBSTITUTE
Cheryl was raised in an orthodox and religious household, with innumerable restrictions on her. She saw marriage as her ‘ticket to freedom’, and enthusiastically okayed a proposal from Robert in London when she was only 19. She soon discovered that setting up a home in London was no easy task for her. Her dreams of freedom and life in the fast lane soon became a never-ending nightmare of cooking, cleaning, scrubbing the bathrooms, grocery shopping, and serving her husband late at night. She fought for freedom from the daily drudgery. When a very busy Robert told her that she had to handle the home single-handedly while he worked outside, she had an affair with Steven in the neighbourhood and got addicted to smoking pot. Conflicts began at home, which soon ended in a separation.
The reason for many a broken marriage is that boys and girls often get married at an early age for the wrong reasons. They are not going towards marriage or their partner, but are getting away from their parents. Often they are looking for an indulgent parent in their spouse, and that’s where the trouble begins. Such emotional kids need to grow up and learn to nurture themselves, so that they can establish an adult-adult relationship in marnage.
LIVING IN A MAKE-BELIEVE WORLD
John and Catherine were high school sweethearts and had begun dating when they were both 14. They got married after seven years of being with each other. John confessed during counselling that after being with Catherine for seven years, he married her only because he felt obliged to do so, as he had made a commitment of eternal love at the age of 14. The truth was that there was a huge mismatch of values and dreams for the future, and yet he married her out of a ‘sense of duty’.
The marriage began with a ‘silent resentment’ in John, which grew with time, and escalated into everyday conflict and emotional distancing. Obviously, when John made the commitment of undying love at the age of 14, he did not have the maturity or clarity to truly know who and what he was committing to. The phenomenon of jumping in head first into marriage, jolts many a brain after marriage, and makes them do all the thinking that they should have done pre-maritally, often leading to a breakdown of the relationship.
MATURITY IS IMPORTANT
The examples mentioned above, though often seen in early marriages, do not hold true for only biologically early marriages. A marriage can be termed an early marriage if you are marrying with a Mills and Boon idea of romance in marriage, and if you live in a Utopian world believing that marriage is the panacea to all your problems in your parental home. The disease of living in a make-believe world with unrealistic expectations from marriage can afflict people of any age.
For marriages to last longer, both partners need to be equipped with life-coping skills, both intra-personal and interpersonal. They need to know the art of constructive communication and problem-solving. They also need to find personal gratification in vitally fulfilling endeavours other than the relationship, so that both can bring value and joy to the relationship. This will also help to strike the right balance between a shared and mutually nurtured space and the individual space for both to pursue their journey of personal growth. It is such maturely managed relationships that last longer, and it is such a marriage in which you can truly be declared ‘man and wife’.
Michael Douglas
http://www.articlesbase.com/marriage-articles/do-early-marriages-last-longer-130417.html
What would be an ideal method/model to resolve interpersonal conflict in the workplace?
Why is it that marriages lasted longer in the past?
It seems as if marriages lasted longer in the past no matter what was going on, cheating yelling, screaming, fighting. I met a woman in her early 60′s who told me her parents used to fight like cats and dogs, dishes flying across the room and everything. Her and her brother used to be terrified, but her parents stayed together till the end.
But roseandron, dishes flying across the room, could not be good for the children???
Divorce 50 years ago was greatly frowned on.
Women who were divorced were often shunned like lepers.
Today, divorces are easier to obtain and no longer carry the negative stigma of the past.
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That is a lie told by the media to make you feel inferior to how it "used to be."
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People didn’t live as long as they do now.
People had different expectations.
People had different morals.
etc.
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people stayed together longer simply because they needed each other. now we live in a world of instant gratification and often think we got it all with out the other.
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There is no stigma attached to divorce these days. It’s also pretty easy to get a divorce. People don’t go into marriage thinking forever anymore. Now they just try it out and move on if it gets tough.
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alot more respect.. the women faught for there men and were told to never leave..no matter what…my great grandmother stayed with my grandad and he always had women…now a days us women are learning how to speak out and not take the bad treatment….thats the difference
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Women put up and shut up back then.
And now the scales are all out of balance.
If my partner left me know I could efford the mortgage, bills, childcare etc on my own – so if he cheated or whatever he would be gone – why flog a dead horse. Whereas back in the day generally women had no or little income, so had to try and get over the wrongs and get on with it for the kids.
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partly because people "ignored" lots of problems and stayed married for moral/family/social reasons.
But mostly because we USED to have morality in this country and in regard to our marriages. We used to understand that hard work was part of marriage, AND were willing to do it.
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In our society divorce isn’t as frowned upon as much as it used to be. Instead of really trying to solve the problems in a constructive manner , people give up. However, somtimes you can’t help solve the problem when the other party isn’t willing to fix it as well. Commitment is taken so lighty now, it’s sad.
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Divorce used to be taboo.
And most people stayed together out of convenience, or settling, because of the kids.
I’m sure if those marriages were in the here and now, they’d be divorcing as well.
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people have gotten lazier and more looney because of the bastardisation of our food supply. the food is packed with chemicals and it is ultra refined so that what you actually put into your body is poison that is messing with your mind and body. fast food is messing with their minds too. under all this mental confusion and physical weakness, people arent built to physically and mentally handle stressful situations like back then when it was all organic and natural foods.
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Divorce was made too easy back in the seventies. Now, if it doesn’t meet expectations, just can the whole thing.
I got married with the idea that divorce is not an option. That would cause us to work it out, get help, whatever it takes to stick up for our marriage. If more couples adopted that idea, divorce rates would go even lower.
I was glad to hear that they were once over 50% of marriages ending in divorce, now less than 50%.
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My grandparents separated early on because of my grandpa’s drinking, but they remained married just didn’t live together. They remained friends and he would fix things around her house.
http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art44691.asp
There is an article on this website that is interesting on the subject.
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society has depreciated into a throw-away style of living. if things don’t work you throw them away and get a new one. people in the past had more of a moral sense and comittment than they do now.
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There was a great social stigma associated with divorce…people generally frowned on the notion of breaking up families, and, since most people lived their whole lives in a certain community, they placed a great deal of emphasis on what the neighbors thought. The thing is, interpersonal dynamics were no better then than they are now…in fact, behavior behind closed doors was likely much worse, so no matter how ugly the spectre of divorce may be, it is infinitely more honest and healthy an existence than staying together for the sake of keeping up appearances. Good question.
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Because people were not looking for Instant happiness. Instant gratification and they were willing to work. Today its all about me me me and no one is willing to give. I love my wife, she is giving, considerate and sexy. I wouldnt trade her for the world.
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in that day and age divorce was a dirty word and if you did find the courage to do it you were disowned and shunned. they stuck it out cause they had to. they put on a smiling face and were screaming inside. thats why people were not crazy,homosexual, and if a woman didnt marry she was an old maid. also if a new family was not having children it was always the woman who was infertile not the man. thank god we live in a better time.in our day these are all normal factors but then if you fell into any of those catigories there was something wrong with you
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Because in today’s society people view divorce as acceptable. In the past it was greatly frowned upon, and any who were divorced were socially stigmatized. Today we live in a world full of me first attitudes, and many enter into marriage with the idea that if it doesn’t work out they can always get a divorce. Often people think that divorce is an easy solution to their problems. However it is not always the answer to marriage problems, and often causes a lot of problems. But in some cases, it is advisable (abuse, infidelity). Definitely your children seeing you fighting constantly with dishes flying across the room it not good. However if some effort were put into fixing the marriage problems it would be more beneficial that just immediately getting a divorce when things first start going badly.
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Women have changed, as the times…now women wont tolerate being treated like our moms, aunts..ect.. now it is considered abuse, before it seemed to be a way of life..they were frightened, and maybe relied on the man to provide for the family…now women work outside the house and make it on their own.
Same can be said for child abuse, used to be a normal thing that was kept quiet, now..you spank a kid and you have DHS in your life….it just isnt tolerated anymore.
Things have changed.
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its simple back in the 1950 the word divorce was a dirty word people just didn’t do it no matter what because the community would look on at both in shame. back then matters were more private too even if a couple despised each other behind doors in public they were the perfect couple.
times have changed drastically the 1950′s men were raised and expected to be providers they were told this is what you need to do in life is to get a good job at the bank and find a beautiful woman buy a house and have children the woman cooked cleaned and had diner on the table when he came home.
these days the average man doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life but knows he will do something. it takes a lil while for them to figure it out. and women have became more independent going to college and becoming doctors and lawyers. the provider and care giver idea went out the window. men arnt sure if they want to get married and women have realised that they don’t need a man in there life to bring home the doe.
people don’t have patients like they used too and they just do not think thoroughly about what they are doing in life and wind up marring to fast and not thinking it thorough and do not want to waste all of there lives being unhappy relationships just are not as strong as they used to be.
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Because people 50 years ago did not have as many or the same type of society or stressors back then as there is today. Society has changed from those days of low unemployment and high economic development to high rates of unemployment and slowed economic development that place more pressure on individuals to survive in this world.
Furthermore, 50 years ago, the family was much closer than they are today, thus relations were a much better support system for a majority of married couples than of those of today.
Also, individuals who married back then believed in working on their marriage instead of taking the easy way out and divorcing when the first opportunity arose. People these days are more selfish and will only stick around when things are going good.
We currently live in a generation of instant self gratification where most individuals will divorce over trivial things such as "my spouse gained weight since we got married" or petty jealousies that may arise.
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People back in the day weren’t always happy they just dealt with each other. Divorce was considered a bad thing so it wasn’t as common.
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That is a good question Sunshine!! I wondered that too! =)
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because people used to believe in the sanctity of marriage and worked at it no matter what. now, people are too self centered to be good mates or parents. sad
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I couldn’t agree more with this:-
“For marriages to last longer, both partners need to be equipped with life-coping skills, both intra-personal and interpersonal. They need to know the art of constructive communication and problem-solving. They also need to find personal gratification in vitally fulfilling endeavours other than the relationship, so that both can bring value and joy to the relationship.”
One of the main reasons marriage don’t seem to last as long these days, is because a lot of couples don’t seem to realise that you need to have all these things. That, and the media doesn’t paint a very positive picture of marriage in the 21st century, so rather than stay, face the issues head on and work them out, people will move on. Why? Because it’s easier.